Thursday, June 21, 2007

Rambling

Within the last few months, the sound of the phone ringing would stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, causing excitement, fear and palpitations. I’d take a deep breath before answering and always let it ring 2 times, so I wouldn’t sound anxious. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it wasn’t. When it was her, I’d sometimes need to put her on hold while pretending I just got out of the shower or something, just to take a moment to relax enough to talk to her, without sounding like a total dork. When it wasn’t her, I could feel that instant drop of my blood pressure and pulse, with a feeling of disappointment overcoming me.

Suddenly though it has changed. I dread picking up the phone because I’m afraid it will be the other one. The one who suddenly brings me really down. Really low. She now seems to thrive on bringing me down. I really need to get caller ID.

So this time she’s screeching out something about calling my Aunt Judy. I can’t even grasp what she was trying to say because none of it made much sense. I told her to calm down, that I couldn’t understand her. It turns out that she’s sick or something but I really had no clue what was wrong with her. I hung up the phone promising to call Aunt Judy.

I call Aunt Judy.


She tells me that she was diagnosed with arthritis this morning. I listened to her ramble on about how painful her right knee is and how she’s concerned about the quality of her life from here on out. I console her. I reassure her that everything will be okay. I let her know that I’m here for her. I tell her how sorry I am about this diagnosis and I let her know if she needs anything, she should feel free to call me.

WTF?
God I hate what is becoming of me. I feel so incredibly selfish that when I hung up the phone I said “I don’t f*king care what happens to you Judy.” I’m insensitive and I feel guilty about it, but I still mean what I said (when the phone hung up)

What bothers me is that Aunt Judy is no different from her. Siblings. Two of a kind. The same person molded into the bodies of two. Precisely why she called me to tell me about Aunt Judy is why I’m so angry with her. Whenever anything is going on with me, she must try to one-up me. Be it positive or negative, it must always be about her. She can’t simply just support me because she can’t stand for anything to be happening in the life of anybody but her. Aunt Judy counts as attention focused on her because like I said, one person, two bodies.


I don’t even want to pick up the phone these days. I want to tell the people that I want to hear from to call only my cell phone, and unplug the house phone and never reconnect it. But then I feel selfish again. Ungrateful for all she does. It’s a crazy cycle. The strange thing is that although I feel guilty for being ungrateful, I continue to feel ungrateful. How do you either: stop being ungrateful or stop feeling guilty for being ungrateful.



So it is a strong possibility that I may be having surgery next week. This morning my 1st mother said that she would like to come here if I have surgery. In part, that sounds incredibly awesome, but of course things can’t be that simple.

#1. I am afraid to be vulnerable near her.

#2. How can I possibly allow these two in the same state let alone in the same hospital?

How do you get to the point where you can allow your 1st mom who shows interest in really being a mom, to do so? Is that a crazy concept? Is that just a pipe dream; or can it really be possible? Still I am so nervous around her. How do I get over that? How and when do we stop feeling as though we’re on a first date with the most incredibly beautiful person in the world?

And, even if she did come. What would the other one do to her and say to her?

It’s giving me a stomach ache just thinking about it.

4 comments:

suz said...

Do you know what you are nervous about? Is it vulnerabiilty? Is it if you trust her she will leave you again and you would not survive that? (Guess what, you already did). I dont mean to poke at you but your words (all adoptee words) make me wonder if my daughter feels any of the same. I think its really sweet she wants to help and be there. I can totally understand the stress though of the two moms in the same place..particularly if the second is not so accepting of the first. Guh. Again, sounds like my daughters situation. Did you ever read my post "The Nose". OMG. Talk about cosmic freak out shit. Hope the surgery goes okay and is not too serious (my dad just had a replacement!)

Amber said...

Selfish you are NOT! You are more opposite from selfish than any other person I have ever known! Selfish is your adoptive mother who must make everything about her! Grrr.
You've missed 25 years with your birth mom. Your adoptive mom needs to sit back, relax and not make a scene. :| !

Miss ya *smooches*

Nicole said...

Amber!
I totally love you
I miss you too
Mucho smooches back!

Nicole said...

Suz,
Once again you have my brain going in a million different directions. I'll get back to you on those thoughts. Sometime.

Hugs,
Nicole