Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father's Day

For the first time in my life, I am thinking about my biological father on this day. Ever since I found out that he is actually a real life, breathing, walking and talking person, he's become a reality for me.

I called my adoptive dad and sent him flowers, and I will be there for dinner tonight - the usual routine on Father's Day. Still, I'm thinking of my natural dad and wondering if he's thinking of me today. I have his phone number. I know a lot of things about him thanks to Kieran, who has generously shared all he knows. I''ve seen a lot of pictures of him ... some of the most recent pictures were of him with his 18 year old daughter at her wedding. I was resentful when I was looking at them. Resentful because he gave me up for adoption, because he left my mother and Kieran for the mother of this other daughter and resentful because I could see the love from a father to his daughter in those photographs - a love I have never experienced. I guess it's jealousy. I hate being jealous. It's a very uncomfortable feeling that I was never really used to until reunion. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I would rather not even care. But, I do. Why do I care? Why do I care about a man that I don't even know?

He is aware of our reunion and I have no idea how he feels about it. I half expected that if he cared at all, he would call me and in the beginning, I wondered everytime my phone rang. Apparently he's not planning on doing so. So why do I care? So today I am looking at the phone for the opposite reason. I find myself wondering if I should call him. What would I say? How would he react? Would he even care? And why should I care? He has built a happy home separate from my mother and her family. He wasn't the greatest father to Kieran either; Kieran recalls many, many days in which he waited for his father to pick him up, but most of the time he never showed. Yet, this morning I called Kieran and asked him if he called him for Father's Day. He did.

If I called him, would it hurt my mother? Would she feel betrayed?
If I called him, would he dissapoint me in the same way that he dissapointed my brother? Would he make promises that he wouldn't keep? If he gave me up once; wouldn't it be easier to do it again? I don't want to be hurt. I hate being hurt. Isn't it easier to protect ourselves than to become vulnerable to pain? I don't like all these mixed up feelings. I don't like feeling insecure. I am not used to this. I am not used to any of these feelings I have since reunion.

Maybe I just need to get ready to go to my other dad's house for dinner and be grateful that I have him.


suz said...

as a mother of loss, i say your bio dad is your biz, not your moms. just like love for your first mom does not diminish the love for your amom, it is true of your first mom and dad. least thats my view. hard as it is, my daughter is entitled (should she ever choose) to have a relationship with her father separate from me. where it gets sticky/tough for me is the wife (his). HER I dont want to share her with. THAT I am still dealing with. Thats the woman he chose over both of us...I am still projecting his crap onto her...(I am working on it)

Kieran said...

In my life he has been a dissapointment in many ways. He knows this. He admits it. He apologizes. And he often does it again anyway. He is who he is. He's still my dad, which is the reason I called him yesterday. Would mom feel betrayed? I confidently say "NO." No way. She wants your happiness and nothing more. Nicole, in time you will figure this all out. You will know what you want or can expect when it comes to him. Follow your heart. That won't be wrong.

Much love, Kieran