Monday, June 18, 2007

Father's Day Over

I'm glad it's over and that I won't have to deal with it for another year. I did not call my biological dad and Cameron and I did go to my adoptive folks' house for a traditional annual Father's Day dinner. It started out OK - they gave Cameron the 3rd degree of course, but he handled himself well; however, it didn't take long before the topic of my reunion was brought up (dear ol' mother) - leave it to her to decide that she just must do something, ANYTHING, to stir up trouble. I expected to talk about my lab draws tommorow and discuss issues related to that. I expected that they would finally decide that my boyfriend isn't evil and actually see what I see in him. I expected that we'd have a nice dinner and be done with it. No that's not really true - I actually expected deep inside to have exactly what happened, happen. I worried about it the entire day.

Ya know, in the beginning, when I first found my natural mother, somehow I was able to sit through their jabs at her without freaking out. I bit my tongue and made it through each visit home or telephone conversation, with a sore tongue maybe; but no fighting or yelling. However it has progressively become more difficult. I find myself protective over her and I become defensive when they spew out nonsense. The truth is that they know very little, if anything at all, about her. So why is it that they feel they can make all these sometimes petty, sometimes viscous accusations? Why does there need to be a competition? Regardless of what led to my relinquishment 25 years ago; what does all of that matter now? And who are they to decide that they know the facts that they SWORE up and down last year that they did not know? And calling her on these inconsistencies is useless because she turns it around as though I am "cornering her," or "attacking her." Am I absolutely doomed to endure this for the rest of my life?

Cameron sticks up for me. My dad sticks up for her. By the end of dinner, Cameron and I are leaving with me in tears and my mom saying: "I can't believe you Nicole. I can't believe you are doing this to me."

Huh?

How have I done any of this to her? Hasn't she done this to herself? When will I decide that I cannot take anymore and stop allowing myself to be put through this? And of course when I do decide to stop letting her do this to me, that will be my fault and she will say I am choosing my natural family over my adoptive family.

2 comments:

suz said...

ugh. major ugh. hurts me to read that amoms are like this. i suspect my daughters is like this if not worse. you are not doing this to her. she is doing it to herself. her choices, her decisions, her behavior. dont take ownership of it.

Kieran said...

Just remember they aren't making you choose. They are responsible for making their own choices.

I'm thinking of you tommorow. Much love, Kieran