Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Good News

Amidst discouraging news, there is good news too. My brother Kieran (my mom's second born) is coming to visit me. We talked for 6 hours (yes, six!) last night on the phone and he's going to drive here from Oregon this weekend. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I mentioned it to my mom this morning and I received a mixed message - she said she was happy for me, but she didn't sound happy. I hope I am not stepping on any toes by pursuing a relationship with members of my family individually.

Kieran and I share the same biological father and the rest of my siblings have another father. Although he is in contact with him, he holds a lot of resentments towards him - so they don't talk too often, but fortunately he has shared a lot with me. I feel tinges of anxiety when the subject of my father is brought up, although I am not exactly sure why. Maybe it is anger that he didn't walk to the end of the earth to help my mother keep me. Even so, I think that at some point I will want to meet him, but of course I will need to gently bring that up with my mom. She hasn't expressed an opinion on that prospect one way or another.

Once again my emotions regarding my adoption are bringing me back onto the rollercoaster. In so many ways I feel angry that it ever happened. I feel cheated out of the family that I am just now, at 25 years old, getting to know and love. I am worried that as quick as I found them, I could lose them. I wonder if this paranoia is normal. I wonder if all my feelings are normal - the intensity scares me and thrills me at the same time.

Who knows the rules for adoption reunion? I ordered several books this weekend in a quest to help myself understand all these feelings and to hopefully sort through them. I know I am not alone. Maybe the key is to take it one moment at a time, and at this moment I am so looking forward to seeing Kieran this weekend.


suz said...

ahhh, now I understand your comment to my dad post. hey, i can recommend some good books (I think I have read them all!). can I also have your email? i have some things i might like to discuss privately with you, if i may. you can reach me at bluestokking at aol dot com

Julie said...

Nicole, I just discovered your blog this morning as I responded to your comment on my blog re The Adoption Show. (The May 13th show is now up on the site.)

I wish you strength in your battle with the C and send healing vibrations your way.

Re your ? in this post, your paranoia is, sadly, quite normal. Have you found your way to AFC yet? Come for a visit.

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

Your blog is incredible.

Nicole said...

Thank you so much for the comments. I appreciate them.

Julie, I will visit the links. Thank you :)