Saturday, June 23, 2007

Just a health update

I've been getting your emails. I promise to get back to you late tonight. I just got home from work and have had a really hectic evening with a sick little girl :-( (pray for her please)

Surgery is official and it will be on Monday. My tumor markers have doubled and I've got the glows on my scans. My gyn/onc also can palpate a small mass near my bladder so she wants to do a laparotomy; a "second look surgery." My nmom wanted to come and unfortunately I need to call her next and tell her that it's better that she doesn't. I'm so torn about this because I do not want to hurt her in any way whatsoever. I've thought all day long about this and I have to do what I feel will be best in the long run. If my 1st mom comes, my 2nd mom will do or say something that will cause stress and resentment. I can warn her not to until I'm blue in the face; but she will, it's a given. She will then completely deny that she had any ill intentions. I've done this for 25 years, I know the game. I know how it ends.

Additionally, this would be only the second time I've seen her. I'm not ready to go there yet. I can't bring myself to be in this position at our second meeting. There is so much to me, who I am and what I have to offer. I'm so much more than cancer. I want her to continue to know me and care about me without any road blocks like pain, hospitals, crying, whining, IVs, narcotics and prognoses.

These two things combined are the reasons for my decisions + my FREE PASS to do whatever I want to do. :-)
My brother Kieran however, will be coming here. He'll be here tommorow. I think his skin is thicker and he'll handle what my parents throw his way. Maybe he'll even throw back. :)


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Nicole. Healing prayers being said for you.

suz said...

wishing you the best. will be thinking of you. you are amazing.

Sarah said...

I'm saying prayers and keeping you in my thoughts as always. I hope you recover from the surgery quickly. Sending so much love your way

Erin said...

I found your blog through Cancer World. Reading that you are a reunited adoptee intrigued me. I placed my own daughter for adoption in December of 1988. After my diagnosis I have had to deal with knowing that a reunion for me will most likely never happen. I did start to search once but at that time she was 16 years old so I wasn't sure what I would even do with the information if I found it so I held off. I'm now within the care of hospice which has had to put me into that acceptance phase of never knowing her but that is also so heart breaking. I am glad I've found your blog. I hope your surgery and recovery are fast and you're back on your feet quickly. I'm so sorry that some of your cells have been chemo resistant. Just keep in mind there are other meds out there. ((hug))

Amber said...

Just checking in to tell you how much I love and miss you. I wish so much that I could be with you today and give you huge ol gigantic hugs. Im sure your brother and Cameron will give you plenty but tell them to give a little extra from me too. K?
Love ya baby girl

Anonymous said...

Dearest Nicole.......We are all thinking of you and hope that you are home soon. Keep in mind how strong and wonderful you are.

Love from all of us freaks.
Can you guess who we are?