Thursday, May 31, 2007

Reality sets in

I woke up this morning really missing my natural family. A lot. The relief at being home has now subsided and I find myself wishing I were back with them all. My brother (Kieran), the oldest of my siblings, is heavy on my mind. We talked on the phone for 4 hours late last night about how the trip was for me. I was able to share some things with him that I have been unable to voice to my 1st mom, 2nd mom and most people that are close to me. He is so easy to talk to.

I was talking to my best friend (Kala) and told her that he is like the male version of me!

She says: Ok Nicole, that is weird - I would never want to meet the male version of me.

I guess it is different when you are an adoptee.. you spend your entire life not knowing your people. People who think and act like you do. You don't know what it is to see someone who shares your DNA, so when you do it is this paralyzing feeling that gives you goosebumps and you feel like you're finally home, after 25 years of being lost.

Kala doesn't really get it. Bless her heart though because she tries. She really tries to understand my POV in this whole adoption reunion situation, but she has memories of growing up around my adoptive parents and looking from the outside in. She has loyalties to my adoptive parents, whether she admits it or not. It's silly though, because when your loyalties to certain people hinder your closeness to others, I call that more like a cult. I don't want to stop the people that I love from loving others. That is not what I call love.

I will be calling my 1st mom tonight. I work this morning and get to meet the little girl I'll be working for. I can't wait to hear her voice again. I really miss her. I feel like I'm in those first stages of dating! Only it's better! More intense. Sigh

Life is still feeling really perfect

1 comment:

Julie said...

"...when your loyalties to certain people hinder your closeness to others, I call that more like a cult."

You are so right. How wonderfully insightful you are, especially considering how new this all is for you!