Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Wow I can't believe how much more intense my feelings of nervousness is becoming with each passing hour. The countdown to meet my biological family is on and it's driving me crazy with anticipation.
In order to distinguish which mother I am referring to, I will be using the labels Nmom (natural) and Amom (adoptive) from here on out.
I talked to my Nmom this morning and I mentioned how incredibly cool it is that I am meeting blood relatives for the first time in my life. She responded with, "It is the second time you will be meeting me." That threw me for a loop - I'd never thought about it that way, but she's right. The difference is, she remembers and I do not.

There are so many things about her that I am totally crazy about. I absolutely cherish our moments on the telephone and if I had my way, they'd never end. We can talk endlessly and it's not awkward - there has yet to be any moments of silence...Maybe it's because we have 25 years of catching up to do.
Another thing I totally love is her laugh. When she laughs, it makes me get goose bumps. I can hear myself in her, and it's more than just the tone resemblance, it's the way she talks and the things she says. Sometimes it's eerie knowing how many similiarities we have to one another.

I was thinking about my boyfriend and although I truly feel like I am in love with him, when he says something or touches me, I don't get all bubbly inside like I did when we first began dating. He's become comfortable to me. Sometimes I am afraid that the same thing will happen with my Nmom and me. Like we will someday find "normalcy" and be so comfortable with one another that all these new feelings of utter happiness and excitement will dissapear. I guess in many ways maybe that's a good thing. But I love walking around with a smile on my face and bumping into walls all the time. I love that jumpy feeling I get when the phone rings and those pangs in my heart when she hangs up the phone because I miss her already.

Who knows? I sure don't. I don't know the adoption reunion rules. I don't know if there are any "predictable" reunions. All I know for sure is that for the first time in a very long time, I feel a genuine happiness and hopefullness, that I'd thought cancer had taken away from me. Just coming off of my chemo regime, I feel like I'm in ninja mode - ready to fight for the things in life that make me happy. I'm determined to make this reunion journey a happy one.

Ok, I've gotta run. I have a resume to drop off for a possible home health job. What a funny thought - me taking care of someone else. I feel like everyone else has taken care of me for so long, that it kind of makes me giggle at the thought of the change of roles just like that.

1 comment:

suz said...

i am forever searching for what makes one adoptee comfortable to meet, open and happy and others not so much.

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