Saturday, May 26, 2007

A Different World

I was able to set up my laptop and here I sit in a room that may have been my own bedroom had I never been given up for adoption. It's a strange feeling - I look around and notice all the things that would be changed, the funky pink floral wallpaper certainly wouldn't be here. The bed would be pushed up against the window for late night stargazing. The 5 foot book shelf that sits at the entrance of the room would not be nearly big enough for all of the books that this avid reader grew up with. There is not an ounce of dust in this room - until I arrived here yesterday, no signs of life. It feels cold and lonely.

I met my first mom yesterday at 5 pm. In so many ways it was just like the scenes on television reunions. I knew her instantly and we hugged for a very long time with tears flowing. It felt good in my soul. I could have stayed in that moment for a long time - just holding each other, smelling her hair and whispering how much we love each other.

Moments like those can't last forever of course and before long, we were in her car and driving to her home. No matter how much I'd prepared myself for this, I stumbled upon every word. Either nothing came out how I meant it to or nothing came out at all. Fortunately she found some humor in it and we were able to laugh it off.

I'll go into all the details of our first evening together at a later time. For now I want to focus on the intense feelings that have arisen. I am in shock that I am here and I am feeling all of these things that I didn't anticipate. Some people told me to try to read about adoption reunions and prepare myself for what I will feel - I should have listened.

I find it ironic that I survived chemo tx without [too much] complaining. I stared at death in the eye and played the life and death game with cancer, but I sit here wondering if these feelings can be fatal. Will they subside? And how does one actually move beyond them? I feel a sense of profound loss. I realize what was taken from me the day that I was born. It goes far beyond what I've always thought that adoptees like me experience. It changed the person who I was. That is a really intense reality for me.

I feel like a little kid ready to stomp my feet on the ground and scream out at all the unfairness. I am not the big sister that my siblings will come to, my first mom is not the mom that I feel comfortable bringing my worries to, this is not the house that I will come "home" to and visit. She will not ever be a "nana" to my children, because I can never give that to her.

If you're kept instead of placed for adoption, does everything change? Your whole destiny would be different. Does this mean I would never have had cancer? Never have had my female reproductive parts taken? Who would I be today? Where would I be today? I feel cheated out of my destiny.

I pray that these feelings subside and that I will be able to enjoy my time here without all these painstaking questions and doubts.

She asks me how my life was and questions about my relationship with my adoptive mother. How can you be honest when the truth isn't pretty and flowery?

I can't write any more at the moment. I'm going to go take a shower and try to do something with these reddened eyes before I come out and pretend everything is OK again.


Anonymous said...

Dear Nicole,
I have thought about you all day. You are the single most amazing person I have ever known and I wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you constantly. Much love and peace in your journey.

suz said...

wow. at a loss for words. thank you for sharnig.

Julie said...

"I realize what was taken from me the day that I was born."

"I feel cheated out of my destiny."

These words ring so true. I have said them myself many many times. (((((Nicole)))))