Sunday, July 22, 2007

Why I love my mother

Well of course I have 200 reasons for loving my mother + the 2 million I had before I got her list.

But when I was in surgery, my mother was here. Yes, she was here in California. In a hotel getting updates by phone from my brother. She sent me orange daisies and a gift bag full of girlie comfy stuff, like slippers, a nightgown, socks, and bath and body works. No return address, no return name. It was my mother.

She took a risk. I asked her not to come. She did it anyway and stayed in the distance to prevent problems for me. But she was here. Worried about me as any other mother would be. And 3 days after my surgery, she returned home. Quietly. Without a peep. Yes, it tears my heart out. I wish so much I had the b**** to just let her come be with me as a mother would. Let her be there for my path results. Let her hold me and love me, as any mother would. I didn't. I was hard-headed and stubborn. I was scared to hurt my adoptive parents.

On my 1st day post-op, feeling really crappy, hooked up to my morphine pump, I felt this sense of peace. I remember opening my eyes and not seeing anybody. No Cameron, no Kieran, no Kala and no a-parents. But I felt this overwhelming sense that I was being watched over. I felt this overwhelming sense of my mother holding me. And I found out later she was a block away in a hotel.

I love my mother. I love that she took that risk. That should anything have happened to me, she was going to be there - face to face with the two people who claim to hate her. She was going to be there for me, yet respect the fact that I asked her not to be near my a-parents yet.

I'm done hiding her. I'm done pretending I don't feel the things I feel. I have a wonderful boyfriend who stands behind me in all of this, all of my mixed up feelings, all of my craziness, he still loves me. I have a mother who also loves me, through all of the same mixed up feelings. I love my mother. I love that she came when I told her not to. She did the same thing I would have done. She did exactly what I secretly wanted her to do.

Did I say I love my mother?


Julie said...

I love your mother too. What an extraordinary woman!

Possum said...

Tears are flowing down my face.
Yeah - I love your mother too.
Biggest hugs Nicole.
Poss. xxxx

Brooke said...

Do you wish you'd been kept by your mother instead of adopted?