Sunday, July 1, 2007

About a boy: 2 of ‘em

I am finally up and walking around. It is incredible how much abdominal surgery takes out of you. I didn’t realize the extent of it until I watched them during my surgical rotation. I’m just starting to get up and around now and that feels good. I also have a lovely 6” new scar on my lower tummy. I was sent home with strict instructions to drink ensure (yum) I am weighing in at 97 lbs when I should be about 125-130. And I start chemo once again. The cancer has also now invaded my bladder and ascending colon. Have I said how much I hate cancer?

On another note; I received this email from my boyfriend (I will only invade his privacy to those who know my boyfriend and read my blog, but they are my good friends and already know anyway.)

Hey Nicole,
I missed u yesterday but I know u weren’t feeling good. It’s times like that tho when I want to be with the woman that I love. I love you. That is easy for me to understand and to say, but you’ve never said those three words. Is it hard to say? Or do they just not exist.

Yes I was jealous of Kieran. He spent more time with you then I did. I felt like an outsider looking in. I wanted to hold u and take care of you, but that was impossible because he was always at your side. As your boyfriend I thought that was my job. You talk about Kieran as if you are in love with him. You call him first whenever anything is happening. As a bystander it appears as tho u two are in love with eachother. Have you been able to tell him those 3 words that u are incapable of saying to me? Nic, I need to know. Do you love me and are scared to say it? Or are you not in love with me?

Cancer is not and has never been an issue for me, other than hating it with a passion. I don’t give a damn that we won’t have kids and I’ve accepted that we won’t adopt either. But I cannot accept being second in line to your brother. I can’t stand by and watch this unnatural love continue to develop. I’m right aren’t I?

You need to tell me how you feel. Scared or not; it’s all on the line now. I need to know if I am wasting my time and killing my heart by the day.

So C thinks that me and my brother are falling in love. I don’t even know how to feel. I do love K. He is the male version of all the good thing of me and my mom. We like the same things. We think the same things. I’d rather be near him than any other person I know. Is that so wrong? Why must people consider it incest? Can’t I be free to love my natural family without losing my boyfriend? Without causing whispers and rumors. Have we crossed boundaries? Have I pushed my relationship with my family too quick and too soon? I have so many questions. I’m confused in so many ways and I feel there is nobody to talk to about it. So I write here.


suz said...

oh gosh sweetie. thats tough stuff. you have your hands full on all fronts.

first, best wishes in recovering. having had two c sections i get the abdominal pain challenges...

on your bro and your beau..ugh. so common. my husband went bananas the first year in reunion. was I in love with my daughter? Well, duh,yeah but not like he suggested. When you have lost something for so long and you finally get a glimpse, you want all you can get. Considering your health and the possible implications, I imagine its even stronger.

That said, our loved ones, our Others, dont know what the hell to do and where they fit. Its hard for us to include them, we dont think they understand, we dont want to tarnish them or our relationship, we just want them to hang around while we go through our stuff (least thats what I wanted).

Talk to your beau. Alot and frequently. Its hard but take it from one who did not (and is now on the verge of divorce).


Nicole said...

Suz, It's the same feelings for my mother. I get all those feelings you get when you are falling in love. But I'm not gay, so that doesn't bother Cameron. He's been so happy for me throughout my search and reunion, until my brother came into the picture. He doesn't understand why my brother comes here at the drop of a hat (he lives in OR) BUT if I grew up with my brother, he would never question it. Complexities of adoption!

elizabeth said...

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your brother. I think that is a rare and precious thing. My brother and I are very close, and it's like we were never separated by adoption.

Best wishes on your continued recovery from cancer.

Possum said...

Oh it's a hard one Nicole.
To have something that you were never allowed to have - to be amongst those that are your real family - no one gets that when they haven't been without it themselves.
Be honest with your beau - but do keep talking to him.
I think it's the silence that makes us blow-up scenarios that aren't such a big deal. KWIM??
Thinking of you.
Poss. xx