On another note; I received this email from my boyfriend (I will only invade his privacy to those who know my boyfriend and read my blog, but they are my good friends and already know anyway.)
I missed u yesterday but I know u weren’t feeling good. It’s times like that tho when I want to be with the woman that I love. I love you. That is easy for me to understand and to say, but you’ve never said those three words. Is it hard to say? Or do they just not exist.
Yes I was jealous of Kieran. He spent more time with you then I did. I felt like an outsider looking in. I wanted to hold u and take care of you, but that was impossible because he was always at your side. As your boyfriend I thought that was my job. You talk about Kieran as if you are in love with him. You call him first whenever anything is happening. As a bystander it appears as tho u two are in love with eachother. Have you been able to tell him those 3 words that u are incapable of saying to me? Nic, I need to know. Do you love me and are scared to say it? Or are you not in love with me?
Cancer is not and has never been an issue for me, other than hating it with a passion. I don’t give a damn that we won’t have kids and I’ve accepted that we won’t adopt either. But I cannot accept being second in line to your brother. I can’t stand by and watch this unnatural love continue to develop. I’m right aren’t I?
You need to tell me how you feel. Scared or not; it’s all on the line now. I need to know if I am wasting my time and killing my heart by the day.
So C thinks that me and my brother are falling in love. I don’t even know how to feel. I do love K. He is the male version of all the good thing of me and my mom. We like the same things. We think the same things. I’d rather be near him than any other person I know. Is that so wrong? Why must people consider it incest? Can’t I be free to love my natural family without losing my boyfriend? Without causing whispers and rumors. Have we crossed boundaries? Have I pushed my relationship with my family too quick and too soon? I have so many questions. I’m confused in so many ways and I feel there is nobody to talk to about it. So I write here.