Sunday, July 22, 2007

I forgot

How could I forget how chemo just rips the life out of you? In a way I forgot. It's so easy to move on to other things, such as helping others in fighting their battle, fund raising for awareness of childhood cancer as well as ovarian cancer. Thinking you are Super Woman with super powers, out to save the world from a dreaded, ugly and evil disease, and then whamo you're back at square one - or square 2 - which is worse than square one.

I try to have faith, and I suppose at some point my faith will come back and I'll fight strong again but I can't help but be discouraged. More than 15,000 people out of 22,000 diagnoses will die this year from ovarian cancer. Will I be one of them? Was my entire life meant to be some sort of example, or some sort of lesson to learn or to teach? What is the lesson; or is there not a lesson and life is just a cruel twist of fate? Did I hurt someone in another life? Even with the children who die, I see a lesson through each of them. I hate that they've suffered and I hate that they died much too early, with each child I've met and lost, there has been a great lesson. But this was just me who learned the lesson, and who am I? No one special of course. If I die, there will only be a handful of people who learn some sort of lesson, if any at all, and what is the point of that?

I'm babbling and rambling and probably not making much sense. I just want more for my life. I have plans for my life and it isn't a stinkin' lesson for someone to learn. But so did Kali, Chey and so does Briana. So does every other person who dies much too soon.

I want to be a nurse. I've worked so hard for this. With the ultimate genorosity of my instructors, I only owe 21 clinical hours for second semester. Will I be able to go back? Can I truly walk around the hospital with my surgical cap (hate wigs) feeling all that pain all over again? Will they even be as cooperative? And then what is the point if in the end I die anyway?

I remember the first time I saw someone with cancer. I was in the grocery store with my adoptive mother and it was a girl of about age 14 or 15. I was about 5. I asked my mom why she didn't have any hair and my mom told me that she probably has cancer. I remember saying that if I ever got cancer I'd never wear a dress when I was bald. LOL. I still don't. I put on my basketball shorts or pants and a cap or something. Kala just bought me a t-shirt that says "I'm not contagious, it's just cancer. Give me a hug." I wore it out today and would you believe I actually got 4 hugs from complete strangers?

As I said, I am rambling. The thoughts in my head aren't in any order so they don't come out here as such either. I just wanted to post an update I guess and express myself the best I can right now. My gyn/onc (I can never say this enough) is the best person in this world. If I survive this, she will be a friend. She fights for me every day and calls me to remind me to keep fighting. Sometimes I feel like I need others to fight for me in order for me to continue my own fight.

I have an update on my biological family coming next.


Julie said...

"Kala just bought me a t-shirt that says "I'm not contagious, it's just cancer. Give me a hug." I wore it out today and would you believe I actually got 4 hugs from complete strangers?"

I would have made 5, if I had seen you.

You're a great fighter, Nicole, you're a champ.

Possum said...

Keep fighting sweetie.
I'm cheering you on from across the ocean.
(and I would be giving you HEAPS of real hugs too if I were there)
Huggles, Poss. xxxxx