Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Don't quite know what to title this

I've had a lot of time on my hands.

Too sick to get out of bed, but never to sick to stop thinking. My doctor is already talking about a newer procedure if this fails. One in which the chemo will stop going through my veins but rather into the peritoneum. It is supposed to be more concentrated. It is also supposed to make you even more sick and they must lower your body temperature when the procedures are done. While I'm all for trying new things, I'm lost at why we are already talking about if this protocol doesn't work. For the first time since diagnosis, I feel as though my oncologist is losing hope. All along my doctors have told me they would fight until I was cancer free. My last conversation with her left me feeling very alone.

Incredibly alone.

I call my adoptive mother, I call my natural mother, I call Kala and finally I call Kieran, my brother.

I still feel incredibly alone.

I was so angry at her, my adoptive mother, for her lack of compassion and protection. I feel so angry at him, my adoptive father, for being everything a man should not be.

I then began to get angry at Kala because no matter how hard she tries, she simply doesn't give me what I need, my friend. I know that is selfish but it seems we are growing away from one another. My high school best friend; but we are both adults now. She'll get married and have children. She is running around town from place to place in her new business world. We are different people now. No longer two girls, but two women, with two very different paths in life. What is important to her, and used to be to me, is no longer important to me.

I call my natural mother and I can't even talk to her for more than 5 minutes before the anger sets in. I tell her that I'll call another time because I don't want my anger misplaced. I don't want to hurt her. But I was angry at her too.

I call Kieran. I don't really say much and he just listens to me whine and moan about life. He lets me have my pity party and he gives me what we call phone hugs.

I still feel alone.

So I got off the phone and I just covered up with my 6 blankets because I can't seem to regulate my body temperature lately. I cover my head and I cry. I bawl. I know this is completely selfish, but for a few hours I thought of nobody but myself and how terribly alone and scared I felt. I take an oxycodone, then I take another one. I then take my antiemetics, even though while on chemo I suffer from chronic nausea and these don't work for me.

I started to feel hot all over for the first time in a week. I am pulling off my fuzzy blankets. I get palpitations. I get so hot that I go to the shower as fast as I can. I pull off my clothes and get into a cold shower. Now I'm freezing; so I get out. But instantly I feel hot again. My chest hurts; I begin to wonder if I'm having a heart attack. Out of desperation to cool down, I go out onto my patio naked and lay down on the cement, belly down. I take deep breaths and I keep telling myself I will be okay.

I question God. Is there a God? My faith is dwindling to nothing. People tell me he is holding my hand through this but I looked, my hand empty. I'm laying on cement in an attempt to lower my body temp. I look again, yep, no God. Nowhere.

I decide "No more." I give up. I will leave this world in dignity and grace with the help of hospice. I will not let them continue to put this poison into my body. More than likely it is my destiny to die in my 20s. To teach some freaking lesson or something. Maybe I was never meant to survive without her.

A little later, my body comes back to semi-normal and I feel the cold of the cement against my tummy, breasts and my legs. My scar from the hysterectomy always gets cold first and I lift myself up with my arms, then I realize I don't have the strength to do it. So much for dignity and grace. Somehow I manage. It surely wasn't with my arms, but I made it up and I made it back to bed. I'm freezing again now but my blankets were thrown on the floor. My dilemma at this point was do I dare try to get off the bed for the blankets or do I lay there and freeze. I think the oxycodone has kicked in because I'm weaker than usual and weaker than just 5 minutes earlier.

Then I hear my door open. I know it's Cameron. He comes in and instantly can see that I'm in shambles. He grabs my blankets and covers me. I can't say anything at first but he's just holding me. Then I let some of my anger out. I say things such as no more reunion and no more chemo. I tell him that I've lost the fight in me and he holds my hand lightly slipping something into it. The flowers I then realize he put down on the floor after seeing me and in my hand is a ring.

He asks me to marry him. My hands no longer empty


Possum said...

Oh Nicole.
I've got tears streaming down my face.
Oh my.
I wish I could be there to hug you in person.
Oh honey.
Can't string words together to save myself.
Your man is WONDERFUL.
Hang on to him for all you've got.
He's real.
He's there.
And he loves you.
Biggest hugs sweetie.
(more tears from me)
Poss. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kala said...

Omg Nicole. I don't know what to say. I am sooooooo sorry if I have made you feel alone. My intention has always been to hold your hand through this and anything else that ever comes your way and I know you would do the same for me.
I don't have a key to your apartment to be near you all of the times I have wanted to so desperately.

I am sorry that our lives have taken different pathways, other than the cancer, we always knew this. We'd joke about it. How I'd live in New York and try to get away to come visit you as you left the ER in scrubs, we'd run into one anothers arms and spend the day shopping. These are things we knew. Put children out of the equation for now. I don't know that I'll ever even have children anyway. We need to stop thinking about these things that get you down and continue to build you up. You are fighting a very difficult fight but you will win, and believe it or not I am beside you.

Finally, you will not give up on treatment. You can't. We discussed this not long ago, remember? When people believe it is their time to make that choice, they know it and they feel a sense of contentment. You don't feel that, which is quite obvious. Your life has been much more than a f******* lesson. You've saved many of lives just by being you. You mean the world to "your kids" at the hospital. You saved my own life in 8th grade. A lesson? You're so much more than that. You have a full life to live and someday we will be sitting on rocking chairs with dementia or something (since you got this, I'll take the dementia)

Please believe and feel that I am here for you. I will come see you today and wait until Cameron comes by to get in if I have to. I love you so much.

Send Cameron hugs from me for being the man your dad never was. For being the man that actually deserves you. Did you say yes??

suz said...

only words i can muster is that if you are ever feeling alone, you are welcome to call me. anytime. i would love to chat with you personally.
hugs. and congrats.

Your brother said...

Like the others, I just have no words; other than I love you tremendously. I have fallen madly and crazily in love with my "little" sister, and I will spend the rest of our lives being the brother that you want and need. I love you Nicole. I am so glad you have Cameron and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about him because of our time at the hospital, man to man, I heard and felt a genuine love from him for you. He has proven a love through sickness and in health, already. I can't wait to see you get married, and to see you live out your dreams.

Anonymous said...
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Erin said...

Congratulations my dearest friend! I have always known since you first introduced me to Cameron, that he would end up being something wonderful in your life. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I miss you so much and I hate that I can't be there for you. I will see you soon though, the countdown is on! You are amazing and strong and you will come out a winner in this just as you do in everything else!
Love Erin