Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Those 3 “Little” words

Stupid 3 little words are occupying much too much space in my head. These stupid 3 "little words" seem to be 3 "HUMONGOUS words" to me for some reason.

My problems with my boyfriend at the moment have me dwelling on those evil 3 letter words. I sit here and wonder how many adoptees have problems with telling people that they love them. I don’t mean the occasionally “love ya” when you’re leaving their presence. I mean the true; “Hey, I really love you.”

Is it just me? Is this a nature or nurture thing? Is it because of the separation from my mother at birth or the fact that I didn’t grow up in a cuddly environment and these words weren’t said too often?

It’s true that I haven’t told Cameron that I love him. Not really anyway. It goes something like this:

Him: “I love you.”

Me:You know how I feel.”

Him: “No actually I don’t. Can you tell me?

Me: Let’s not get into anything too emotional right now ok? I can’t handle it.

There have been a few people in my life that I’ve been able to say it to freely. Simply and freely, without hesitation: My best friend Kala, My other best friend, Erin, my grandmother, who is deceased now and recently to my natural brother.

I have told my natural mom that I love her, the day my brother was leaving here. I’m not sure what came over me except that I felt extremely grateful to her for accepting me as I am and for producing and nurturing such a kind, compassionate and loving son. But then after I hung up, I found myself wondering if I would be like Kieran had she raised me. I’m not saying that I’m not kind and compassionate, but I have my moments, and stupid people especially bother me. (yes, I know that is so totally not nice to say – see?) The other people that I can truly tell that I love them and mean it whole heartedly are children. I love little people. They are so pure and innocent. Such beautiful human beings. If I could snap my fingers and become anything I wanted to be, besides maybe a true cancer survivor, would be a child. They are carefree, non-judgmental and give their love freely. You don’t have to pay emotionally for it. I love being around children more than I love anything else. Which is really a cruel twist of adoption karma that I can’t have my own children.

Anyway, back to those 3 little words. I think I love Cameron. I mean, I think about him when he’s not around. When I go shopping, I see these little “Cameron items” and I must get them for him. Then I smile thinking about him. When I was sad, I called Cameron. When I was happy, I called Cameron. But he is right, that has changed. I’ve now been calling Kieran. I find the most comfort, a true comfort in his voice. After talking to him, I feel like things will be okay. Is that wrong? Are my priorities off? Why can’t I know for sure if I love Cameron? I can’t just say it if I don’t mean it either, right?

I can’t tell my adoptive mother that I love her. I just can’t. Unlike the Cameron situation, I feel deep in my heart that I love my adoptive mother. Yet, I can’t tell her. The words sound ridiculous in my head
when I even think about it. Here is how that usually goes:

Her: “Well you take care. You know I love you.”

Me: Me too mom, thanks.

And my dad – It usually goes something like this:

Him: I love you sweetie

Me: Thanks dad , I’ll talk to you later.

Seriously, what the heck is wrong with me? Did I grow up without enough love that I subconsciously don’t realize? Is it adoption/separation related? It’s never bothered me before until now that it is threatening my relationship with my boyfriend.

Cameron is really hot. He’s super sweet. He opens the door for women and pulls out their chairs (even strangers in restaurants) He is very intelligent, specifically scientifically. He has a bright future ahead of him. And this guy loves me! But I can’t say it to him. Maybe it’s because I think I’m not good enough for him? Is it because I feel useless as a woman (no female repro parts, and getting ready to lose m y hair again.) Maybe it’s because I don’t think he deserves to deal with a 25 year old girlfriend/wife who is in surgical menopause and wakes up with the bed entirely wet, sometimes even screaming? Maybe it’s because in my heart I am beginning to doubt that I will survive this evil ovarian cancer and he doesn’t deserve to have that type of pain? Or maybe I am afraid he will leave me like my mother did? Maybe it’s a combination of all of these things?


Possum said...

The old adoptee fear of rejection - oh yes - I know that so very well.
Be honest with him Nicole.
Tell him that you're scared to give yourself freely.
Tell him all of your fears.
He sounds like a gorgeous man.
You're going through so much right now - tell him the truth - and if he's still willing to stick around - he's got to be a keeper.
Sending you hugs and strength from oceans away.
Poss. xxx

Anonymous said...

I am getting really worried about you. Please post an update as soon as you are able.

Briana said...

Hi Nicole!
i wanted you to know that im out of the hospital, hopefully forever because we just talked with hospice yesterday and they are coming to visit us today. im feeling good 'bout it mostly my folks are having the hardest time. thanks for giving me the web addy to your blog. you rock. i didn't even know you were adopted!!!!! oh, i saw the list for prayers, im technically still a kid right? would you mind adding me there and my parents for acceptance?
love you love you, miss you , miss you. i was hoping to see you yesterday before i left. get my number from lydia. k? sendng sunshine and healing vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ to you

Briana said...

oh and hey I LOVE YOU.
you said it to me :-) should i feel special???????????????????

Julie said...

Maybe it's because your really love him and loving is such a huge risk for adoptees because it is so hard to feel lovable. Who wants to risk being proved right?

Kieran said...

It took me a while to have the courage to reply to this post. My love for you is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I want to grab you up and keep you safe. I want to heal you. I want your happiness and your success. I want all of your dreams to come true. I want you to be loved, feel love, and give that love back to the man who rightfully deserves your love, and you, that deserves his.

I know some of what you feel for him. I know a lot about what he feels for you, what he has comitted to you. I know from talking to him at the hospital that he sees you as the most beautiful, courageous, and strongest woman in the world.

I don't want the confusion of our closeness to affect what future you have with Cameron. While I would love to occupy every moment of your day with presence and thoughts, that isn't fair to you or to him. It really isn't. I would move there immediately to be by your side. But while my heart tells me to sell everything and jump on the next flight out, my brain is telling otherwise.

I wish I could take all the needle pricks, chemo meds and do all of it for you. I am beginning to seek my own therapy so that I can control the feelings and that you and I can have a future, so that I can be your "big brother," even though I am younger, I am much bigger =)

I want you to try to allow yourself to be honest with him. If you can't say it now, just tell him that. There is a reason he is still your boyfriend, and I know you, if you felt nothing, you would not waste his or your own time.

I am here for you always, but allow him to be #1 in your life. My guess from what I've been reading is it is difficult to say that you love someone as an adoptee because you are too afraid to be vulnerable.

Let yourself be vulnerable darling. You deserve to feel complete happiness with someone. I would never say any of these things if I hadn't met Cameron. But his love for you was oceans wide, expressed with words and body language.

Put me on the back burner for a while. I will deal with my confusion and possibly misguided love.

I love you

Nicole said...

Thanks so much for your comments, ladies and gentleman.

Possum and Julie,
I love your insight. Please keep them coming. They help so much.

Anon, I will post an update when I can sit straight for more than 5 minutes.

You always know the right thing to say. *tears* I don't know what is going on. I need to somehow get it all straight in my head. Cam is a perfect man, I must be an idiot to be pushing him away. Thank you

Your response is coming next.

Nicole said...

My dearest Briana,
You are so brave, so courageous and amazing. Your inner beauty far exceeds anybody else. I did tell you that I love you and yes it is because you are special. I love you and that is easy for me to tell you because you are so easy to love.

About hospice, I am glad you have found peace with YOUR decision and I am glad those around you, doctors, nurses, friends and most importnantly mom and dad, accept YOUR decision. This is your life and you must make the decision that is going to keep you comfortable for the rest of your life.

You have touched me so much. I can only pray that I have touched your life even a small amount of what you have done for me. You show me what beauty is and you show me how to be brave and strong. You are amazing girlfriend, simply amazing. I will add you to my list, of course. Maybe I can talk to your mom and dad and give them a little bit of a different insight? It's hard for parents to accept moving on to hospice. I so wish I could be your hospice nurse, but I'm not there yet. I will however come to see you and get your number for Lydia. I will bring you surprises that I know you love and I will hug all over you, gently of course.

Sending you so much love and comfort vibes back ~~~~~~~~~~