Thursday, November 15, 2007

Hospice decision

Hey to any and all that still read this blog,
I've wanted to give an update and since stopping chemo I believe I have the energey now to do so! I am still in nursing school, haha! I won't give up. I've got only until mid December, why give up now? I'm doing home study at the moment, but I will be there for the graduation and I've completed all but 3 assigments to make up for clinical days. I may never work as a nurse, and I am OK with that.

After my last consult with my oncologist, I decided to meet with hospice and I signed on with them. The cancer is not only all throughout my peritoneum, but also in my liver and my lungs. I refuse to have raidation on my lungs because I've not yet seen it work and I have however, seen it cause esophageal contriction amongst other things. So the beast has won, I guess you'd say. I still don't feel 100% content with my decision, but I know that is fear of the unknown and the afterlife, the uncertainty of what is there for me.

I am just now coming to terms with the fact that the lives of the children I've touched throughout my 25 years of life may just be what I was here for. In time, I will accept that, I still struggle with thoughts that there was more for me. I guess time will tell.

So that is where I am at. If you email me, I will give you my phone number to keep in touch. I will still add Cam and Kieran on my blog to post updates should the time come that I'm not able to. As soon as I graduate, you can expect daily posts, if I am able. At this time the plan is to graduate and move to my biological mother's house. I know that causes some controversy, but I feel in my heart it is what is right.

Love to all,
Nicole

7 comments:

Possum said...

Hiya hun.
Thanks for the update.
You're in my thoughts sweetie.
Love the idea about moving to your mom's. Nice.
Take special care of you.
Biggest hugs from AUS.
Poss. xxxx

julie j said...

Hi Nicole,

A mutual friend of ours mentioned you over at our adoptee site, & I just had to come over here to wish you the best. There are lots of people who care. I will include you in my prayers. I wish I could reach out & give you a big hug.

julie j
reunited adult adoptee

VegHipMama said...

I'm so sorry to hear of all the decisions you've had to make. You have touched more people in your short time than you realize. And, you will continue to be an inspiration and a joy. Please stay strong, and know you are loved.

dory said...

My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry for all you have had to go through. I hope your mother can give you tons of warmth and comfort.

Suz said...

hi gf. do send me your phone number, k? you can email me at bluestokking at gmail dot com.

i love the idea of moving in with your mom. made me cry for both of you.

do write. i want to talk to you live.

kimkim said...

Wishing for you that the strength you have continues to shine. Thank you for writing this down and sharing it with others.

nina said...

Wishing you peace and lots of love every day.