Long Time

It's been a while since I've posted anything. School started back and I'm trying to manage my school schedule with my chemo schedule. It's not the easiest thing! I now have accumulated 17 days total (since nursing school began) of makeup hours. By law, we must have an exact number of lecture hours and an exact number of clinical hours. My instructors have bent over backwards and are truly the reason I'm still in nursing school. Without their cooperation, it would just not be possible. So what I do to make up these days is give presentations to the class on case studies. I feel that even though I've missed 17 days, I still am learning so much through my case studies and almost feel as though it is an advantage.

I have decided not to pursue beyond my RN and head towards grad school until I am in remission. I tire easily, and I'm sick most of the time. I do however get to wear these cool animated surgical scrub hats around the hospital. :-)

My relationship with my adoptive family is slowly healing with many ups and downs. The relationship with my biological family continues to grow and is beautiful, all of the time. My mom was here just last weekend and once again, we had a wonderful time.

My relationship with Cameron is growing too. He is here most of the time, we basically "unofficially" live together. He's a big source of support for me, both when I am studying or when I am sick from therapy.

I will get labs done next week and I'll know if I am responding to chemo. I asked my onc. if I could read my chart and I was shocked at much of what I read. I was unaware that they did a restaging of my cancer early on and put me at a stage 4 as opposed to the stage 3 that I was told. I was also shocked to read that palliative care will be "explained" to me if this chemo protocol doesn't work. (As if I need explaining)

Fortunately I felt better after talking to my doctor and she explained that although palliative care is something we may have to look at in some point of the future, writing it now, so soon, is something she needed to do for insurance purposes. Sigh.

I have the will to keep living and I have not yet developed an acceptance of death. I hate crying about the fact that I'm too young to die when I watch children die all the time, when I see Briana looking death in the eye and being so brave. But I truly do not yet feel as though it is my time. There is too much for me to do. Too much I have planned for. Maybe that's selfish, but it's just where I am at. Today.